BY KAT STARK

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post that wasn’t a review. I’ve felt like a bit of a sex blogger fraud and like I haven’t had anything to say since it’s been a long time since I’ve been up to anything slutty. Hell, I’d subtitled my book The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut and I began to fear people might call me out on not living up to it. My battles with mental illness, particularly depression, essentially stole the latter half of last year and the first few months of this one. Getting sexy fell completely off my radar while I worked to find a version of me that wasn’t just about surviving. Thankfully, I’ve slowly been finding my way back to myself though I still haven’t been able to fully reclaim my sexuality.

It was strange after having several years of super-sexy discovery and exploration to slip into a mode where the sexual piece of me that I’d considered so foundational to my identity was nearly entirely shut off. I no longer felt like the person I’d been for the past three years and seriously wondered if those years had been it for me. Like they’d been a peek into a life that I loved but one with a specific expiry date.

I’d been feeling a big distance in my romantic and sexual relationships and although Flick and I have grown close again, other relationships near and far were changing as we all fought our own battles, and most of those have transitioned into friendships. Adding family stress, changes in Flick’s relationships with his people, and some truly un-sexy physical ailments means I haven’t felt at all like the pervy slut I’d built a community and online presence around.

Unfortunately, when even the effort to lie on your Doxy Die Cast wand to get off feels like way more effort than you could possibly manage, dating and parties seemed out of the question. Even reviewing toys has often felt completely beyond me. You mean I have to get lube and a throe and put this thing inside/on me and then wash it after? Ugh! Occasionally, I have a small window of feeling sexy and fun again, and I’ve tried to take advantage of those moments, but it doesn’t take long to slip right back into the blah.

As someone in their mid 40s who was raised female, I’m ever conscious of both my attractiveness being considered more temporary than that of a man, as well as the hormonal changes that are going to be coming my way that may curb my sexual desire. That ‘last fuckable day’ looms large. As someone who is genderqueer I hope to harness the power of the Silver Fox rather than evolving into the crone. But then I get mad that there’s such a disparity in aging and that attractiveness at 50-plus is a thing reserved for masculine folks and I resent it at same time.

A couple of unexpected recent sexy experiences have reminded me that I do still have the sexually charged, libidinous, exhibitionistic piece of me inside. I felt the strength and charge I used to feel almost constantly at a queer kink event recently while Iris and I played together. To celebrate my 45th birthday, I invited a group of sexy people over to join me for a Babe Bang (more inclusive than Lady Bang but still no cis dudes) and that was an exceptional night of immersing in hedonistic pleasure. More on that night soon.

After not having any luck meeting the kinds of guys I’d like to date as I scrolled the dating apps, I have switched up my approach and have a few dates lined up with sexy women. Through putting myself out there I’ve started seeing someone pretty damn special who has helped me reintegrate the me who’d been trapped behind a wall of depression for far too long. I’m hoping every small step will continue to feed the flickering sexy spark until I’m aglow again with a brightly burning slut flame.

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Gives a whole new meaning to ‘taking friendship to the next level.’

It’s a certainty in life that there are going to be times when something comes out of thin air and smacks you right upside the head. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.)

Maybe it’s the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the realization that Taylor Swift songs are really, really catchy. The point is: There are many things that will happen to you you just can’t prepare for.

Let’s go back in time, shall we?

My then-wife and I were living in a small town in Rhode Island. Being somewhat new to the area, we were still in the process of friend-making. Joe (new  “husband” friend) was a fun-loving guy, the type to always be first on the dance floor at our favorite watering hole, pulling whomever was nearest to him along. He was handsome in his own way with blond hair and a muscular build.

Kim (new “wife” friend) was a babe. Blond-haired, blue-eyed babe. The type of woman you do a double -take for. We met by chance at a mutual friends party a few months back. At the time, they had been married just a year or so (give or take a few months) and were clearly still in the newlywed stage, evidenced by the way they hung all over each other.

Thinking back, I should’ve seen the red flags.

One night, standing in the middle of the dance floor, Kim spun away from Joe pulled me close (really close, nose-to-nose close) and gave my ear a little nibble. I dismissed it as alcohol-induced behavior.

Not long into our newfound friendship and many of these (red flag) moments later, Joe and Kim invited my wife and I to accompany them on an all-expense paid trip to North Carolina’s Outer Bank.

At the time, it didn’t even cross my mind that they had ulterior motives. I remember thinking, “GREAT! Who doesn’t love a vacation? Who cares that we don’t know each other that well. Life is all about adventure!” (I was clearly a young and naive lad.)

The night before our trip, the four of us went out to dinner.The drinks were flowing and the conversation turned to how lucky we all felt about becoming “insta-besties.”

But the first physical telltale sign of what was to come happened when I found myself trying to ignore the subtle footsies coming from our friend’s wife. Again, I chalked it up to booze and off we went on a big jet plane to one of the most beautiful places on the East coast.

During hotel check-in, things started to get… interesting. We were informed they had only booked one room.

“Oops,” Joe said. “It must have been a mix-up.”

Unfortunately, my swingers radar hadn’t kicked in and it didn’t even occur to me that this was premeditated. As soon as we found ourselves all getting settled in, we put our swimsuits on and headed poolside to soak in some rays and sip a few mojitos.

That night, we hit the bars pretty hard. Everyone was pretty drunk and we might’ve gotten a bit touchy with one another, but some cross-flirtation is normal between couple-friends, right? We’re human.

The following night, Kim instructed Joe to take me out for a “few” drinks. Looking back, clearly, she was itching to spend some alone time with my wife.

A little bro time never hurts so we headed off into the more populated strip of bars and proceeded to get sh*tfaced.

Joe slammed back a shot and blurted out, “Do you want to see a picture?” His phone slid across the table and I found myself staring at a rather naked woman in (ahem) a somewhat compromising position.

“Is that your wife?” I asked.

He took the phone back and proceeded to tell me there was more where that came from, and that his wife thought I was really hot. The rules of man code immediately went racing through my drunken head.

How do I respond to this? Is he crossing a line with me? Did I just cross a line with him seeing this picture?

To be honest, my curiosity was drunkenly piqued. So, I asked him what he was getting at. He continued to press that his wife was into me and that he thought my wife was very beautiful.

Then he laid it all out, explaining that the reason they asked us to come on vacation was to sleep with us.

I quickly told him I needed a drink and went to the men’s room to call my wife. Apparently, the hangover from the night before had stopped her from drinking much at the hotel, and it seemed like Kim didn’t make her aware of the situation.

She heard my frantic tone and asked if I was OK. In that moment, I weighed telling her Joe’s true intentions against letting this play out; we still had another two days to go on the trip. Things could get all sorts of weird.

“I’m fine honey. Yep, be home in a bit.”

I took a moment to stare into the bathroom mirror and go over my options.

I could either take this gentleman up on his offer and dive headfirst into the swinger’s world (with my wife’s approval, of course) or I could excuse myself politely and leave the situation in a way that didn’t cause a rift.

Option three lurked as well: Grab my lady, head to the airport, and get out of dodge.

In my drunken state I shook my head and said, “Oh, I didn’t realize that you guys were swingers. I’m flattered by the offer, but my wife and I aren’t into that.”

Situation diffused. 

I saw his face drop. Did the two of us give off the wrong signals? I’m a flirt, yes, but I don’t think I give off the aura of Swinger For Hire.

The rest of that night went downhill very quickly, as did the rest of the trip. He proceeded to order shot after shot and get blackout drunk, leaving me to carry a guy who had at least 50 pounds on me back to the hotel room. Once there, he worshipped the porcelain throne whilst simultaneously explaining to his girlfriend (loudly) that he’d failed to convince me.

We ended up sticking it out, and a day and half later we all flew back. We didn’t see much of each other after that.

Honestly, I liked them both and wish things had gone differently, but there are a few lessons I hope they learned from this trip.

1. If you’re going to ask a couple on a swinger’s vacation, please find out if they’re into it before hand.
2. Asking to sleep with another man’s wife at any point just isn’t a good idea.

But what do I know? Maybe it’s worked for them before. I’ll never judge a book by its cover again, that’s for sure.

Thursday, August 2

Throwback Thursday

It’s a blast from the past with your favorite hits from the 60’s to 90s so come burn the dance floor up with your sexy and sultry moves.

Arrive before 9 p.m. and get $10 off your nightly user fee*

Don’t miss:
4-course Dinner Buffet
Late-night Breakfast Buffet
Unlimited non-alcoholic beverages

Hours: 8 p.m. – 3 a.m.

Couples: $40 | Single Ladies: $15 | Single Men: $75

*Membership to Trapeze required. Cannot be combined with other discount, vouchers or passes. You must arrive before 9 p.m. to receive discounts.

Back to calendar.

Swinger reveals what having sex with strangers is REALLY like

The unidentified man got into the swing of things after he and his past girlfriend had a threesome

Because there’s things you need to know before you start swingin’.

Have you ever wondered how swingers get the party started in bed? If it takes two to tango, you’ll have to adjust the steps a bit to dance with four or more. Sex can be complicated enough for two people, let alone a whole group.

So how does one grease the wheels of this crowded sex train? Allow me to enlighten you with the 10 Commandments to swinging success:

1. Shed those pesky inhibitions.

All parties involved have to come into the situation knowing what they’re walking into. One bad apple can spoil the bunch. So if there’s anyone in the room that seems to be hanging on to any reservations, the rest of the folks are going to feel it, and it’ll sour the sexy.

Know where you stand before you enter the room. More than likely, the other sex-cadets involved will have been looking forward to a multi-person sex-fueled release, and backing out kinda kills the vibe. Ya dig?

2. Vett your prospective partners carefully.

Nothing’s worse than an awkward sexual experience. The same is true for swinging. Sex should be fun. Go out with your prospective partners beforehand and have a few sex-free experiences. Take them for a drink or a pleasant hike.

Bonobo apes often extend sex as a way to deepen bonds. The difference between us and them is a complex emotional spectrum that needs to be figured out before you decide to jump in the sack. Post-swing jealousy or even falling in love is a taboo within a taboo.

If you’re the jealous type or you think your chosen partners might be, save yourself the trouble by coming up with a few questions you can ask during the vetting process.

3. Respect your partner’s boundaries.

No matter how excited you are about your sexcapade together, remember that everyone involved is a human being. Let finding out what they like and don’t like be an exciting part of the process, and respect their boundaries. A hard no is a hard no. No, if’s and’s or butt’s about it.

4. Grease the wheels.

It’s no secret that the easiest way to get people to relax is alcohol. But please, for the love of Pete, don’t overdo it. Sloppy drunk isn’t sexy and whiskey dick kills the vibe. Trust me, you don’t want to be stuck watching your wife/girlfreind doing the wild monkey dance with another guy while you nurse your case of playdoe penis in the corner.

It’s best to keep it to a drink or two. Perhaps a lovely bottle of ’78 Cabernet Sauvignon that you’ve been saving for a special occasion. You can even break the ice by talking about how red wine can enhance the act of cunninglingus, as said in the book, She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. You’ll set the mood and I’m sure they will all impressed with your literary prowess.

5. Set the thermometer to sexy.

A comfortable environment is key. Don’t be lazy — tidy up, turn the lights down low, bring out the comfy pillows and wash the sheets. Most importantly, make sure it’s nice and warm. The urge to peel off a few layers may just help move things along.

6. Expectations ruin everything.

If you’ve been fantasizing about specific scenarios, you’re bound to be disappointed. Go with the flow; no one can read your mind. A little leading is fine, but if the other guy isn’t looking to Eiffel tower with you, just let it be.

7. Keep it tight!

Get a Brazilian wax, do a little (or a lot) of manscaping, and stay in shape. It goes without saying that sex is better with a person who takes care of themselves. So if you expect it from your partners, then you better bring it.

Also, if you first thought is, What if he’s bigger than me? or What if she’s skinnier than me? than your self-consciousness will show. No body is perfect. Nobody. Except maybe model Emily Ratajkowski.

8. Keep it lighthearted.

Leave your drama at the door. Swinging is an escape from the everyday. That’s what makes it so exciting. So don’t bring up how your boss has been harping on you this week, or how your house renovations are way behind schedule. Keep it to lighthearted bedroom banter.

9. Keep the noises in check.

We all make noise in bed, and that’s fine! But no one wants to feel like they are in a screaming match. It can also create jealousy if one partner thinks their lover is moaning/grunting louder than they do with them. You’re there for exploration and fun. No competing.

10. Keep it safe.

The vetting process mentioned in step two should be as long as you need to feel comfortable. After all, you intend to sleep with these people and that comes with some realities. This includes STDs. It’s not out of the realm of acceptability to ask them to get tested before hand.

Honestly, you’ll have a lot more fun when the time comes if you know you are safe. So wrap it up, people! If you’re grown up enough to swing, you’re grown up enough to protect yourself and your partner.

Now go get ’em, you gorgeous swingin’ mynx!