How to Approach People for Swinging

Written by Visit to read the full article.

Even in the straight edge vanilla dating world, approaching someone you’re interested in can be nerve wracking, and most of us have had to do it at some point or another. We’ve all faced this nervous moment. What do I say? Do I look good today? Will I be rejected? It’s hard! But in the swinger community, there’s even more to consider because now it’s not just about you, it’s about your partner as well and establishing a four-way connection between the both of you & the both of them. You know you’re attracted to them, but will the other couple feel the same about you? Should you be forward? Take things slowly? Especially if it’s your first time at a swinger’s club or on a swinger dating website, it can be overwhelming just to be there, let alone approach a new potential couple to arrange a sexy swap.

The good news is that the swinging community is a welcoming one, and you can rest assured you already have one thing in common! So don’t be shy, which we know is easier to say than actually feel.  We are here to help your chances with these tips to give you a better chance of a successful swinging approach. The swinging etiquette varies depending on if you’re meeting couples in person or online, but the general atmosphere of the invite should remain the same.

If you’re at a swinger club or house party…

Wait to catch someone’s eye
You are sexy people and should feel confident with yourself.  When you enter the room, play it cool but don’t be cold.  Act like you have seen sexy people before even if they are amazingly hot and right in front of you.  Spend some time cruising the room being friendly and waving hello.  Don’t be afraid of being friendly toward larger groups of people.  It is often easier than you may think to break into a swinger clique.  After you have walked through the room, make sure to consult with your partner to see which couples you both find attractive. You don’t want to spend time flirting with someone if your partner isn’t interested.  Once you’ve come to an agreement, you can walk over and say hello again and really start your flirting.

Keep it simple, say hello
It’s as simple as walking over and saying hi, offering a hand shake, and introducing yourselves. You don’t have to use your last names if you want to protect your privacy.  Only using your first names is very common because many swingers need to be discreet and because using full names is more formal.  They’ll most likely be interested in chatting to see where things go.  If they aren’t interested, no worries, there are other people in the room and worst case you can have naughty fun with the sexiest person in the room – your own partner.  Get ready for your swinger flirting to really start.  Relax, you got this!

Start a conversation
Talk about anything, don’t just jump into sex, your swap preferences, or anything too intense. It’s also important to remember that most people want to remain anonymous, so avoid any prying questions that are too specific like where they work or where their kids go to school.  It’s fine to ask more general questions like what they do for work, and how many kids they have, for example. Be sure to listen – people love to talk about themselves. Another way to let them know you’re interested is to give compliments and do a little flirting.  If this doesn’t sound comfortable, we have written extra conversation tips for shy swingers to help you feel more comfortable.

Bring up the lifestyle
At this point, once the conversation is flowing and both parties are keen, it’s appropriate to talk about the lifestyle. You can talk about how long you’ve been a part of the community, how often you come to that specific swinger club, what other swinger clubs they like to visit.

Bring up what you came here to do
Let’s remember your aim is to seduce the other couple, not be vulgar or sleazy. You want a smooth transition from flirting to sexy swinging.  If things are going well, sexual tension is building and you’re ready to play, invite the other couple to one of the play rooms. You’ll know when this feels right. If you are nervous about popping the big question here are some approaches you can try.

One-on-one can be less intimidating. Ladies, if you go to the restroom together you can let the other lady know there is a green light for sexy fun in case they are interested.  Men, when the ladies visit the restroom you can also have the same chat one-on-one.

Be seductive in a subtle way. Try saying something like “You are the type of couple we would love to play with”.  You aren’t directly asking them but you are clearly opening the door for them if they want to step up.

Be direct. Once you think there is a good four way connection, you can simply say “We think you are really sexy, would you like to see if there is a room available for us to play together?” It really can be that simple. If they are into you, it’s easy for them to agree. If they aren’t ready for that, they can politely decline or ask for a bit more time and that is totally fine.

Unsure? Are you getting mixed signals or aren’t 100% sure you’re reading their signals correctly? Relax, you can slyly gain a better understanding of their intent by asking if they would like a tour/to give you a tour of the sex play areas. If they are into you, this will create an easy opportunity for play to start with a very personal tour. If they decline the tour, that is a good sign they aren’t interested (or at least not yet) and you can choose to keep talking or to go chat with other couples.

If you’re approaching vanilla people…

We understand that you will come across sexy people in the vanilla world and you might even want to invite these vanilla people to join you in the swinging world.  Before you do that we should talk about a few things.




You Don’t Have To Be Kinky To Have Good Sex

Written by

Let’s talk about vanilla sex. “Vanilla sex” or “vanilla” is often used to describe people whose sex lives are mainstream, plain, or boring. While kink and BDSM have been becoming more and more popular and hogging the sexual spotlight, vanilla sex is often left behind. Some people even use the term in a derogatory sense. But let me clue you in on a little secret: you don’t need to be kinky in order to have good sex. In fact, a pure vanilla experience can be one of the best flavors out there.

I say no more to this “vanilla shaming.” Don’t yuck someone’s else’s yum! Instead, focus on the reasons why vanilla is awesome.

There’s still lots of room to play.

Vanilla is actually a larger category of sex than you might think. Often, vanilla sex includes slower, loving touch, deep kissing, lots of eye contact, and romance. For some, these are key ingredients for good sex.

As one of my kinky friends puts it, “vanilla” really just refers to someone who prefers more straightforward sexual activity. Maybe this is without an overlay of extra thought, planning, or intention that kinks and fetishes do. That doesn’t mean vanilla sex can’t be just as exploratory as kink. Since vanilla tends to focus on the physical act without the psychological influence of say, BDSM, you can take advantage of those physical acts by being fully present and mindful during sex.

It’s the mac-n-cheese of sex.

I once asked one of my friends to describe vanilla sex. She described it as,  “the mac-n-cheese of sex.” Some people might consider mac-n-cheese boring, but there is a reason people love comfort food. Embrace the comfort. Pull it over you like a warm blanket. Juicy, loving vanilla sex with someone you trust is as yummy as a homemade macaroni casserole. Eat it up!

Missionary is underrated. 

Vanilla sex has long been connected to the “missionary” position. Yet, the standard ‘ol position of missionary can be so satisfying and sexy AF. One of the reasons missionary is so hot is the eye contact, and more eye contact often equals more intimacy. For some, this level of connection takes sex from a kindergarten level to magna cum laude (pun intended).

In addition, missionary is sometimes a desirable position for female orgasm, as it can stimulate the clitoris. And if you’ve ever experienced a clitoral orgasm, you know there’s nothing boring about that.

Savor that vanilla cream.

In fact, vanilla sex can be a great way to achieve orgasm. While BDSM or kink or fetishes don’t always involve genital contact, vanilla is centered on it, which means a chance to hit the big O. If you are vanilla, try making it a goal to enhance your orgasms. There’s nothing hotter than someone getting off on something, so who cares if it is vanilla? Turn your vanilla turn-ons into a heyday for deeper orgasms!

Get the toys out and learn how to cum harder and faster. Use a vibe during sex or masturbation. I like the powerful Magic Wand. You can also play around with a couple’s vibe, like the We-Vibe Chorus. Take advantage of the power of deeper orgasms in your sex life.

It’s not all about kink!

As a BDSM coach, I often help couples find common ground in their individual desires. Many times, one partner is “kinkier” than the other. The more “vanilla” partner tends to label themselves as “not kinky enough,” as if somehow there is a sexual hierarchy.

I tell them the same thing I’m telling you: start considering “vanilla” sex (ie, regular” intercourse) as a kink, just like your other kinks. If you are super kinky, vanilla can also provide a lovely break between heavy BDSM sessions.

If your partner is vanilla and you’re kinky, you both need to explore your common ground and expand on it. Often I find with my coaching clients that one partner will label themselves as “vanilla” when in fact they reveal non-vanilla sexual preferences. This could include things like cuckoldry, role play, or impact play. Take a sexual exploration questionnaire and see what activities you and your partner are both interested in. You will not only discover things about your interior erotic life, but you may discover things about your partner, too.

Botton line? Vanilla is simply a flavor and a good one at that. Don’t get stuck on the label, just indulge.