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Non-Monogamous Relationships Are Normal, And The Stigma Needs To End

Sa’iyda Shabazz

For most people, if someone told them that they were in a non-monogamous relationship, their mind would likely wander to something extreme. Many may picture sex parties full of people swapping partners with wild abandon, or raunchy threesomes like those depicted in porn.

But in reality, most non-monogamous relationships are fairly similar to monogamous relationships; they just involve more people.

The concept of non-monogamy is greatly over exaggerated and hyper-sexualized by mainstream media because then it’s easy to marginalize the people who participate in such relationships. But it’s 2018–we need to start acknowledging that there are many ways for people to be in relationships.

The cisgender, heteronormative way of thinking about relationships is not only boring, it’s dangerous. Our society was built on a puritanical Christian way of thinking that doesn’t leave much room for alternative lifestyles, even though they have always existed.

Now, as we fight for equal rights based on things like race and sexuality, the right to not have to define your relationship through the narrow lens of monogamy is just as important. A lot of the time, consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships are portrayed as subversive to others and shame the people who choose to engage in them and paint them as weird sexual deviants. And that othering can do a lot of damage to their reputations if not handled with care.

Here’s another perhaps mind blowing thing about CNM relationships; not all of them are based on sex. So often, the images we’re presented with when it comes to CNM relationships are completely sexual. We are shown relationships that are strictly based on sex: friends with benefits, open relationships, swingers, threesomes. And while those are obviously components of some CNM relationships, it goes so much deeper than that.

By focusing on the sexual side of CNM relationships, it’s easier for naysayers to portray these types of relationships as perverse, but acknowledging the romantic side can make them seem more mainstream. Just as sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum, consensual non-monogamous relationships run the gamut in terms of what is the “norm.” As a result, it’s important to understand what those relationships could look like.

Non-monogamous relationships aren’t just excuses to cheat on one’s spouse either. The people involved in the relationships set rules and boundaries for how the relationship will operate before they enter any additional relationships. These boundaries may evolve over time, but there is always an understanding of how they will best serve everyone involved. That is why it’s called consensual non-monogamy; everyone involved has explicitly expressed their desire to be involved in the relationship.

Most often, when we’re talking about consensual non-monogamous relationships that aren’t entirely sexual, we’re talking about polyamory. There are plenty of ways to have a polyamorous relationship; sometimes couples may have two partners who they are equally committed to, kind of an extended monogamy type situation. Some may have a primary partner and multiple secondary partners; some of those partners may be exclusively sexual, while others may be exclusively romantic, or a mix of both.

Some people who are in a polyamorous relationship may be cisgender and heterosexual, but just as many are queer or gender non-conforming people are in poly relationships. There are no rules about who participates in poly relationships, and every polycule operates the way that best serves them.

For some people, monogamy is too confining, and that’s okay. But as we all know, monogamy is the law of the land. This means, if three people in a CNM relationship wanted to be legally married, they can’t be, because in the eyes of the law, marriage can only happen between two people. If it’s a completely equal relationship, there are no protections for the person who isn’t legally married in the event that something terrible happens.

If a poly family has children and they all parent them, only two are actually considered to be the parents legally, which means that they would have to put something in writing for the family to stay together in the event of tragedy.

There are many reasons people in CNM relationships choose to keep it quiet. Some people just like being private, which is fine. What one person does in their bedroom is only the business of the people in the bedroom. But it would be wrong to not talk about the very real stigmas attached to those who choose to enter CNM relationships. Even if their relationships aren’t sexual, because of the way mainstream society has portrayed non-monogamous relationships, they will be painted with the same broad strokes. They could be branded as sexual deviants or sex fiends who are trying to recruit others for their sex group.

Poly families can run the risk of having social services called on them, even if they’ve created a totally loving home for their children. In reality, people who are non-monogamous or polyamorous are just keeping their hearts and lives open to all of the people they can love instead of stuffing themselves into a life with only one person. They aren’t being held against their will to be a plaything for many, these relationships, and how people move through them are always a choice.

Ashley Sweet, who is in a polyamorous family, spoke exclusively with Scary Mommy and offered some insight into what life is like for her family.

“The biggest misconception we face as a poly family is that we are ‘hurting’ or ‘damaging’ our children by exposing them to an unconventional relationship style. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t widely popular, which means we’ve had to expand on what our children know about relationships. We frame the conversation around consent, that your relationship style, just like relationship dynamics (i.e., physical contact, language, etc.) depends on the consent of all involved,” she explained.

She and her family have an Instagram account that they use to document their poly lifestyle.

“We have quickly learned that there is no road map for our relationship,” she said. “Monogamy is modeled in our media, and most of what we know about being a partner pertains to being a partner of one. Though we knew being out about our nontraditional family would incur some push back, we felt that we owed it to the non-monogamous community to share our journey and what we learn, to start to build that road map.”

Just as many of us have chosen to commit to only one person, those who are poly or in CNM relationships have committed to multiple people for the same reasons we have. They feel a deep connection to that person and want to be with them, whether it be strictly emotional, strictly physical, or somewhere in between. The only difference is that they feel that deep connection with more than one person at a time. This doesn’t make them anything other than human.

People who choose to engage in consensual non-monogamous relationships aren’t any different than those who choose to engage in monogamous relationships. In our heart of hearts, we’re all just people who want to love and be loved.

Why Swingers Have Lower Divorce Rates Than Monogamous Couples

Research suggests monogamy might not be worth it.

According to Dr. Michelle Golland, in the United States “mate swapping” or “swinging,” meaning to engage in sexual activities with the people who belong to outside of your marriage, is mainly seen as deviant or strange. But does it match with the facts? It is decades back during the 1960s when sexual experimentation and free love came to the forefront. During the 1970s, it transformed as “key parties.”

Before going any further, it is important to define swinging. Swinging is a form of an open relationship, in which partners remain committed and engaged in sexual activities, even with the other partners at the same time. They mainly regard their relations as a recreational practice or a social activity. It has added importance to their curiosity or to their conventional sex lives.

Some of the swingers, who remain engaged in casual sex, are often found to be more deliberative and frank, and therefore, more honest than those monogamous couples who indulge in infidelity. Many swingers feel that swinging is a healthy practice that actually strengthens their swinging-relationships.

According to some recent web articles, swingers are mentally healthier than their monogamous peers. The subtitle of the same article says that those men and women who swing perhaps possess some important mental health strengths.

Swingers Refrain From Divorces

Is there a reason why polyamorous couples divorce less? Well, the reasons swingers don’t file for divorces in comparison to their monogamous peers are the traits which determine happiness and flexibility in their mental health. They have an abstract thinking capacity in addition to creativity and adaptability to changing circumstances. The sex lives of the swingers are undoubtedly more flexible if compared with the monogamous couples, in terms of sex.

According to some renowned therapists specializing in both swingers and monogamous couples’ relationship issues, swingers do not fear, so they do not cheat. Obviously, the other group (i.e., monogamous couples) fear, so they cheat on their spouses.

Regarding fear, monogamous couples are victims of the toxic jealousy trap. This trap entails that any particular gesture or behavior may lead to a full-fledged affair, resulting into complete breakage of relationships.

Statistical Revelations Of Divorces Among Monogamous Couples

According to some statistical data, those that assume that people who blame others are the ones who actually initiate the divorce, giving their side a “good” reason. If the statistics are studied among the monogamous couples the figures are as follows:

  • Wives of monogamous marriages initiate 70 percent of divorce and blame their partners 40 percent of the time, while husbands of monogamous marriages initiate 30 percent of divorce and blame their partners for 21 percent of the same faults.
  • In another finding, 79 percent males of monogamous marriages initiated divorce is unprovoked; while the figures are 60 percent for the females (of the same type of marriages) to have initiated divorce to be found to be unprovoked.
  • The other statistical findings show that 23 percent of divorces are the reasons for the males’ “trading-up” and 28 percent of divorces are for the males’ “screwing-up” that ultimately results in 51 percent of divorces among monogamous marriages.
  • Another statistical study reveals the fact that 42 percent of divorces are because of “trading-up” by the females of monogamous marriages; while the figures of divorces due to “screwing-up” by the females of monogamous marriages are 7 percent, ending up with the total of 49 percent of divorces being due to women.

Hence, it is revealed that men are much more likely to “screw-up” and women are much more likely to “trade-up.” Therefore, both men and women are seemingly responsible for about half of divorces in the monogamous category, so the two cancel each other out.

The Fear Psychosis Of Monogamous Couples

Additional reasons why polyamorous couples divorce less has to do with fear in monogamous relationships. The couples in this category also fear of exhausting their best days of sexual excitements by being settled down and remaining bonded in a marriage, which may lead to a frustrating divorce.

The Fearlessness Of Swinging Couples

The couples in this category are often found to be deeply in love and remain emotionally connected. They hardly value sex in the same line as their monogamous peers do.

Reasons For Increased Divorces Among Monogamous Couples

In the case of the nitty-gritty in real life, the dividing line is drawn with the “pen” of sex. One relationship therapist found that monogamous couples are more judgmental towards sex, as it always and also predominantly pervades monogamists.

However, the swinging couples mostly espouse the attitude of “live-and-let-live.” Of course, many people will not generally support this attitude because different people have different sexual emotions and needs.

In 2009, the most popular swingers website SwingLifeStyle.com agreed that subjective scientific research has been conducted in the United States since the late 1960s. A study, based on an Internet questionnaire addressed to visitors of the swingers website, found swingers are happier in their relationships than the norm.

The swingers website concluded that some believe sexual attraction is part of human nature and should be openly enjoyed by a committed or married couple. Some swingers say divorce in the U.S. and lack of quality of sex and spousal infidelity are significant factors in divorce.

Another study showed that for non-swingers, 37 percent of husbands and 29 percent of wives admit to at least one extramarital affair, and divorce rates for first marriages approached 60 percent.

While polyamory isn’t for anyone, there’s no question that for those who engage in swinging, their happiness and relationship success are much higher.


Swinger reveals what having sex with strangers is REALLY like

The unidentified man got into the swing of things after he and his past girlfriend had a threesome

By Sarah Barns

A SWINGER has revealed what having sex with strangers is really like.

The unnamed man started swinging in his twenties after a threesome with his girlfriend.

He told Nine Honey that he loves the non-monogamous behaviour because it means he can “play” with people who don’t have hang-ups about sex.

He revealed he even thinks about the raunchy trysts while his mates chat about their weekend plans and children’s sporting events.

“It’s my own naughty little secret that I can replay over and over in my mind,” he said.

He believes swinging is now a key part of his life, and that traditional marriage is not for him.

He got into the swing of things after he and his past girlfriend had a threesome.

They began attending erotic parties where they would meet other couples and take them back to their hotel room.

They then graduated to swinger’s clubs where they would meet 20 to 50 other couples who wanted to “play”.

He said: “One New Year’s Eve I remember seeing about 100 people naked and spread across three floors of a terrace house. It didn’t matter where you looked.”

The man says swinging has took him a lot about relationships.

He claims sex and love are two completely different things, and you can have sex with someone while still being in love with someone else.

“The number of affairs that go on is mind boggling. If you think that your partner is never attracted to or looks at another person you’re kidding yourself,” he said.

He claims swinging is “promiscuity with permission”.

The anonymous man said that some of the strongest relationships he has seen are those that are a part of this lifestyle because people in the community are happy when they see their partner enjoying sex with another person.

Meanwhile, here’s a peek inside the ultra-sexy New York swingers party that is only open to ‘hot millennials with a social media presence’.

And, a couple insist romping with other couples and going to sex parties are the keys t

The new place to hook up in England

Ed Sheeran Battles Swingers On His Lawn

Singer’s ‘no prude’ but desperate for his security ‘to nip this in the bud.’

By Aaron Tinney
Ed Sheeran put his security detail on high alert after he discovered his idyllic sprawling country estate has become a magnet for sex-mad exhibitionists, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

The “Give Me Love” singer, who is worth $110 million, lives in a palatial pad nestled deep in the heart of the English countryside with his childhood sweetheart, Cherry Seaborn.

However, the 27-year-old chart-topper’s serious relationship hasn’t stopped grandstanders wanting to get their kicks on his land in the ancient English village of Dennington, population 578.

Some randy revelers have been busy filling X-rated web forums with plans to meet and have sex on the hit maker’s property, while others brag about their past exploits.

“Anyone up for meets with me and my sexy partner in Dennington? We are into risky, exhibitionist stuff — the edgier the better,” one couple posted on a members-only swingers’ site.

Another person boasted that they “sneaked into Ed Sheeran’s garden the other week and did it on his lawn.”

“Bet that would have made him blush,” joked the trespasser. “The wife was hoping he’d come and join in.”

Another shamelessOpens a New Window. exhibitionist bragged on the same swingers’ forum, where couples arrange to meet for group sex sessions, that she flashed her boobs at Sheeran and wanted “some fun in his undergrowth.”

So what does Sheeran think of all the action going on just outside his door?

“Ed is no prude but his security guys have got to nip this in the bud,” a source told Radar. “It is his backyard, and not somewhere where people can just get their sexual kicks.”

Rules, Boundaries, Making This Up As We Go

Ms. Scarlet

At heart, I’d like to be a relationship anarchist but I’ve gone along with my partners (yes plural) who wanted rules and because it wasn’t worth fighting over. And frankly, I barely have time for what I’ve got on my plate right now. My to-do list is two pages and that is just for this week so I’m procrastinating by blogging.

Failing at RA, for the past four years I’ve pretty much had a non-hierarchal quad of 3 primaries. Well, good things often end. It was spotty if we’d see the Foxes again but it appears we are going to keep on but now as what is clearly hierarchal poly. There are cons to the change since I don’t like hierarchy. But there are pros to it as well such as having less obligations as well as freeing up some of the guilt over an impending relocation out west.

As part of our processing on this, I came up with a list of where I put things as to what is poly and what is for my swinger relationships. Originally we thought this would result in a bunch of new rules, but we are making this up as we go since it seems impossible to go from primary back to swinger level.

Poly Swinger
Willing to discuss feelings of jealousy of feeling threated. No jealousy or feeling threatened. Or if you do, keep that drama to yourself if about swingers or take it home if it is about your spouse.
Lots of saying I love you. No saying “I love you”. Duh.
Talk about everything. No talking about or judging habits* onMoneyEating






Being negative about yourself

Excessive work talk

*Feel free to gossip about with others

Even at a distance update on life and weekly plans Generally, out of sight out of mind. Maybe text/sext if bored.
Typical presents: birthday, Valentine’s day, anniversary, Christmas No presents. Maybe a bottle of booze at birthday swing party.
Negotiate how holidays are spent and try to be together or know when to celebrate. Celebrate swinger holidays of Mardi Gras and Halloween at clubs.
Ok to just hang out or even do necessary life tasks like groceries or yardwork. Fun activities hopefully ending in sex.
Understand if things come up like getting sick or work. No canceling. That’s just rude.
Profiles may be individual or even more complicated if on swinger sites and poly. Profiles are for couples only.
Anyone may get influence and input if other people seem shady. Only your spouse gets veto power.
Meet at clubs to go together to find other new people to swing with. Meet at clubs to have sex with each other.
Share expenses and even Netflix and phone family plan. Pay for meals if you are a super-hot unicorn or I’m hosting at my house. Otherwise separate checks.
Affectionate anytime and place. No handholding.
Ok to call girl/boyfriend, lover, pet names. Ok to call FWB if I see you repeatedly. Otherwise, you are lucky if I know your name.
See as often as possible. No expectations. See when there is time. Maybe once or twice a month.
Have keys to your place. Maybe even your passwords. Have condoms with you.
Sleep together, shower together, all kinds of crazy adventures together. Have sex together. Probably have conversations together.

Have A Sexy Adventure: 4 Reasons You Should Attend A Swinger Club


It’s time for a night out on the town, but what one you never thought of before!

Swinger clubs are fun and sexy spots that are becoming more and more popular everyday. Each and every year, more swinger clubs are opening worldwide. Here’s some of the reasons they have become the talk of the town.

Swinger Clubs Build Stronger Relationships

Real world results prove it. When it comes time to spice up a relationship in an open and honest way, where everyone has more fun, a great swinger club is impossible to beat. Fantasies get fulfilled in a way where communication is enhanced and both partners are brought closer together.  And it’s all while having the time of their lives!

Swinger Clubs are Far Beyond Fun

The whole atmosphere of a good swingers club is about having maximum amounts of fun. There’s nothing that matches them for a good night out for many couples. Talk about a true adventure in all the best ways. Sometimes all the usual social events just get boring and dull. That’s not so with swinger clubs where there’s always something new for a pleasant surprise every time you attend.

Swinger Clubs are Safe and Secure

Most swingers clubs put a big emphasis on safety. This means a night out can be enjoyed without any fear or risk of danger, due to the club investing in its trained security presence to make sure nothing gets out of hand. It’s never a bad idea to double check these things at a resource like swinglifestyle.com, who have the latest lists of clubs and information.

How do you pick the right club for you?

Different swinger clubs have different feels and sometimes nights that focus on the fetish scene too. You really have a whole open menu when it comes to exploring the things that add excitement and spice to your sex life. Where and when you choose to go is up to you and your partner and the information is available to you.

All this knowledge can be worth its weight in gold. Who knows, if you time it right and go out soon you may be able to go to one of your favorite themed parties.

Check out the website Swinglifestyle.com in the swinger club section for all the latest lists of clubs broken down by location, news and even tips on how to make the most out of your swinger experiences.