Howard Hunter
Because there’s things you need to know before you start swingin’.
Have you ever wondered how swingers get the party started in bed? If it takes two to tango, you’ll have to adjust the steps a bit to dance with four or more. Sex can be complicated enough for two people, let alone a whole group.
So how does one grease the wheels of this crowded sex train? Allow me to enlighten you with the 10 Commandments to swinging success:
- Shed those pesky inhibitions.
All parties involved have to come into the situation knowing what they’re walking into. One bad apple can spoil the bunch. So if there’s anyone in the room that seems to be hanging on to any reservations, the rest of the folks are going to feel it, and it’ll sour the sexy.
Know where you stand before you enter the room. More than likely, the other sex-cadets involved will have been looking forward to a multi-person sex-fueled release, and backing out kinda kills the vibe. Ya dig?
- Vett your prospective partners carefully.
Nothing’s worse than an awkward sexual experience. The same is true for swinging. Sex should be fun. Go out with your prospective partners beforehand and have a few sex-free experiences. Take them for a drink or a pleasant hike.
Bonobo apes often extend sex as a way to deepen bonds. The difference between us and them is a complex emotional spectrum that needs to be figured out before you decide to jump in the sack. Post-swing jealousy or even falling in love is a taboo within a taboo.
If you’re the jealous type or you think your chosen partners might be, save yourself the trouble by coming up with a few questions you can ask during the vetting process.
- Respect your partner’s boundaries.
No matter how excited you are about your sexcapade together, remember that everyone involved is a human being. Let finding out what they like and don’t like be an exciting part of the process, and respect their boundaries. A hard no is a hard no. No, if’s and’s or butt’s about it.
- Grease the wheels.
It’s no secret that the easiest way to get people to relax is alcohol. But please, for the love of Pete, don’t overdo it. Sloppy drunk isn’t sexy and whiskey dick kills the vibe. Trust me, you don’t want to be stuck watching your wife/girlfreind doing the wild monkey dance with another guy while you nurse your case of playdoe penis in the corner.
It’s best to keep it to a drink or two. Perhaps a lovely bottle of ’78 Cabernet Sauvignon that you’ve been saving for a special occasion. You can even break the ice by talking about how red wine can enhance the act of cunninglingus, as said in the book, She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman. You’ll set the mood and I’m sure they will all impressed with your literary prowess.
- Set the thermometer to sexy.
A comfortable environment is key. Don’t be lazy — tidy up, turn the lights down low, bring out the comfy pillows and wash the sheets. Most importantly, make sure it’s nice and warm. The urge to peel off a few layers may just help move things along.
- Expectations ruin everything.
If you’ve been fantasizing about specific scenarios, you’re bound to be disappointed. Go with the flow; no one can read your mind. A little leading is fine, but if the other guy isn’t looking to Eiffel tower with you, just let it be.
- Keep it tight!
Get a Brazilian wax, do a little (or a lot) of manscaping, and stay in shape. It goes without saying that sex is better with a person who takes care of themselves. So if you expect it from your partners, then you better bring it.
Also, if you first thought is, What if he’s bigger than me? or What if she’s skinnier than me? than your self-consciousness will show. No body is perfect. Nobody. Except maybe model Emily Ratajkowski.
- Keep it lighthearted.
Leave your drama at the door. Swinging is an escape from the everyday. That’s what makes it so exciting. So don’t bring up how your boss has been harping on you this week, or how your house renovations are way behind schedule. Keep it to lighthearted bedroom banter.
- Keep the noises in check.
We all make noise in bed, and that’s fine! But no one wants to feel like they are in a screaming match. It can also create jealousy if one partner thinks their lover is moaning/grunting louder than they do with them. You’re there for exploration and fun. No competing.
- Keep it safe.
The vetting process mentioned in step two should be as long as you need to feel comfortable. After all, you intend to sleep with these people and that comes with some realities. This includes STDs. It’s not out of the realm of acceptability to ask them to get tested before hand.
Honestly, you’ll have a lot more fun when the time comes if you know you are safe. So wrap it up, people! If you’re grown up enough to swing, you’re grown up enough to protect yourself and your partner.
Now go get ’em, you gorgeous swingin’ mynx!